Role’s

Johnny Cash sang in his song “Boy named sue” the following lyrics:  “And he said: “Son, this world is rough” And if a man’s gonna make it, he’s gotta be tough”

This song came out 1969 but the words are applicable as it has been back then. Though it is a different kind of toughness to what he is referring to when you continue to listen to that song.

Men’s role has never been as unidentified and chaotic as it has been in this generation. The expectancy is mixed so there is the confusion of the newly created men role to be left to define by themselves.

You know what happens in a group project and it is left to each individual to make their contributions without a defined role and defined timescales? All of us have gone at some point through it; it does come eventually together however more by luck and most of the time not resulting in great success. The second time around you can work on your mistakes. Not without a reason is the saying used “Practice makes perfect.”

Though having an identity to work on won’t be that easy to change. To fit into a role won’t be easy if the role does not fit to the character and to follow the expectations won’t be easy.
Women have the same problems of their new role but they seem to have literally pulled up their sleeves and seem to have focused on the similarities between the roles then and now; being the more emphatic one, the more emotional one and the take carer of the family in emotional needs. Then they have added the ingredients like work, family, ambition, independency and feminism.

Taking cake baking as an example: A woman bakes a cake with all the ingredients she has. Once finished mixing up all these ingredients and put into the oven she looks up with a confused look: “Ok, since I got all the ingredients to bake my cake, as big as I want, as colourful as I want, what is your role in this?”

Silence and intimidation followed it since he had never been asked this question before but had worried countless times about it. So, the women taking the proactive approach finished to bake the first cake completely by herself. The taste of the cake was a bit bland and there was no joy of the preparation. Something was missing but the missing ingredient was not known by either of them. Both confused; one became more and more confused and uncomfortable in the role, whereas the other more and more settling into the role and baking already the next cake.

After continuing it for a while they could not bear it and turned around to face each other and said simultaneously “Perhaps we can try to bake one together, to see how it will feel like to do it together?”
The first cake did not taste well, all the ingredients were too much; double the sugar, double the eggs, double the flour but they had fun and enjoyed the process. It hadn’t been easy. They had been interfering into their workplaces, taking each other’s personal spaces away, adding too much. Though it had not been the result expected, the feeling of ease and joy took over.
Both of them not wanting to give up started to work better together, since they got used to the habits and the pace of each other.

This time they both compromised, this time compromising on the ingredients and the works done but still trying to benefit themselves and not forgetting about each other. This time all was fun; the baking, the mixing and the eating. 

Oh well, when it works for a cake then why should it not work for other aspects did they think and continued happily ever after in their togetherness and taking comfort in the trust of each other to continue to find their identity/ role in this process.

We want more and more and more and more….

We want to be prettier, thinner, more attractive, more successful,
richer, increase our circle of friends, travel the world, buy a car, buy after that the newer model of the car, buy a phone, buy after that the newer phone, buy an apartment, buy a bigger one.

We are ambitious and wanting more. Working towards more.

All this goals, all this ambition focused on achieving our longing for happiness.
Having reached this goal, we become happy.
Happy – such a simple word. Happy and satisfied with the world, with us, with our surroundings…
The lasting happiness.. The question about “How long happiness lasts?” is discussed within the below link basically stating that happiness is not a constant trait:

http://news.softpedia.com/news/How-Long-Happiness-Last-49129.shtml

Once we reached our goal(s); the hard worked and awaited promotion, the amazing car, the house, the swimming pool, the person we have wanted to win over/ be together with for so long. Do we then achieve the long awaited happy feeling? The overall satisfaction, which will keep us on cloud nine forever. The feeling of forever happiness?
A couple of years ago, one of our top managers around 40ish joined a casual meeting. He was known for his ambition and for his dedication to work. Whilst speaking about families started he said: “My biggest regret in life is neglecting my family.” Soon after this impromptu personal talk, we found out that he was getting divorced and that he spoke rarely with his children. Two years down the line, I met the same promising manager and he had worked his way up and had become a well known and powerful manager within the company. However, his personal situation had not changedI congratulated him and asked about his family. His eyes saddened deeply for a moment but he recovered quickly as the true professional he is. I walked away thinking “I hope it was worth it”.

The scene of the lady looking out of the window is a touching one.
We look out of the window from our home, which we have created. Do you still remember the joy when you bought the apartment? The joy of decorating it, fixing the balcony, putting in new doors, buying the huge tv, which is in your living room, buying this very expensive carpet to get a sense of luxury? Do you still remember it or have you turned your back literally and physically already towards the things, which you have already achieved? Why don’t you get the same satisfaction out of it as you used to once upon a time?

Surely, you will reach the ultimate happiness once you get an even better promotion. Or towards the partner you have been hoping for a long time? Or the great apartment and the car? Perhaps when you finally have a child to take care? Or once you have on your list more than 5 countries you have visited? More than 300 friends on facebook? More than 50 messages for your birthday? Why not everything at the same time to ensure that your happiness will not be affected at the least when you do not achieve all these.

Surely, you will reach happiness once you have fulfilled all of these. Surely, this time the feeling will last a life time.

Selection criteria – Looks

Selection criteria – Looks

Too many times has the criteria for choosing a partner been discussed, written about, seen and heard of.

It varies from similar characteristics, or not, similar hobbies or not, to similar physical attributes or not and so forth. All these findings have usually Loyalty and Love as a common factor.

But we all know the truth: All these factors are overrated and the only criteria, which matter is: Looks! And by that I obviously mean Good Looks. Average beauty equals average happiness. The better looking the happier we are.

There are many advantages of having this profound selection criteria as described below:

Healthier

First, if you choose the best looking one then you will need to keep yourself fit since you want to be as appealing to your partner as possible. Due to that, you will also start to eat healthier, do regular exercises and visit more often the beautician. At the end since better looks equal to more happiness all others will want to have a good looking partner. So, the competition is fierce. This brings us to our next point.

Competition Awareness

As said the competition is fierce, which means that the likelihood of you wearing prettier clothes and present yourself in the best way possible will be higher. Furthermore, since the demand is high and the supply is limited you will need to be ready for fighting for your partner. This will keep you in good shape and might even make you lose weight.

Increased Joy

Imagine having the best looking person as your partner. Waking up next to him will make you already happy. Like looking at a very nicely presented piece of cake or well prepared dinner plate. You enjoy these moments.

Less distraction

A good looking partner helps you to focus better. Whilst having dinners rather than rudely checking your phone every 5 minutes for notifications you will have to focus fully on the beauty next to you due to several reasons.

Increase of Productivity

When your partner is out especially at night or at the weekend you will be so worried that you won’t be able to sleep. You know how high the demand is and you have not chosen your partner due to his loyalty and faithfulness. This lack of sleep can be transformed into something useful; tidying up or sorting out the papers or being prepared for the next day. This will increase your productiveness.

Selective topics

Now the talking part will be reduced as well, which will make it for you as well possible to make more space for other activities. Your partner will not be bothered about listening to your day to day problems at the office. You can tell these tales to your less good looking friends. At the end, you choose this partner not for his caring characteristics and listening skills.

Improvement of body language

When you present your partner in public to your friends or walk around town and strangers see you with him you will feel the pride of the possession, which will make you walk straighter and therefore improve your stance. This might improve as well your work life. Imagine going into a meeting head high with the knowledge that this beautiful looking human being is waiting for you.

Sharpening the awareness of your surroundings

These experience will increase your awareness of your surrounding in an unbelievable way. You will more conscious about the females around you. You will be careful about the babysitters you hire or his possible secretaries and even your own female friends. Through that like a chess player you will start to make moves before the actual moves is being done.

Strategic thinking development

As mentioned before you will start to think ahead before events will happen. Tables in a restaurant will be chosen with great care. Better not to display too much of your “treasure” unless you want to increase your pride as mentioned below. The continues staring from the fellow competitors might annoy you and your partner might get distracted. Parties from too wild persons will be avoided or you will be able to come early and leave early before anything even remotely negative can happen. This continues throughout many examples e.g. plane seats, cinema, bus, car and etc. This effective thinking process might even increase your IQ.

Setting priorities

Your worry about other daily things like missing the train, someone stealing your parking space, self created sickenesses or being on time to a meetup with friends will become less since your mind will be fully occupied with your partner and his whereabout and do about.

As described at the above points, choosing your partner solely based on good lucks is the only valuable criteria and will have only good impacts on your life. It will increase your health life, make you aware of your surroundings and might in the best case scenario increase your IQ and EQ.

Because do not forget that the more handsome your partner is the more happiness he will bring to your life..

Memories

I saw it, you saw it and they saw it – but what exactly did we see though?

Did we see what we were supposed to see or did we see something what we were supposed to not see?

But then…how can you forget something, which you saw once?

Isn’t it comparable to a memory that floats back into your mind when a certain moment occurs?

  • Hearing the song to which you were once upon a time getting ready to go out with your best friend. The feeling of excitement, the laughters – the happy moments you shared together
  • Walking on a certain square or street and being reminded of the person you were once walking along that street and remembering the conversations you had
  • Seeing a certain movie and remembering, which brings you back to the memories of that time period of your life.

Ah memories – they serve you so well and the hunt you so well.

The memories you want to cherish, the once you want to forget and the once you want to ignore.

What would you be without the memories?

Would you be an entirely different person or someone close enough to the person you are today?

Are you then not yourself “just” a memory? And if so, would you want to be forgotten?

What do I see, you see and they see when looking at you?

Being independent

What is actually the meaning or measurement of being independent? Nowadays many people live alone, so are they called independent?

Can a person changing tires be called independent or choosing from the menu be called independent?

I was speaking the other day with a friend, who was in the process of organising her trip to Italy. I told her that the hotel she had organised provided for a free shuttle from the airport to the hotel, however she said “I am not anymore that independent. I prefer the easy way of taking the taxi straight to the hotel.”

For a moment I stopped. It surprised me that the act of arriving at an airport, trying to find in an unfamiliar environment the bus station and accordingly the right bus to the correct hotel would lead to an independent act.

For many frequent travellers this above described short process is seen as very normal and even quite simple. As many know usually not only one mode of transportation is required to be taken in order to reach the desired destination.

However, it is true that trying to figure out the right place from where to take the bus, buying the tickets, renting a car and all the other countless things, which need to be figured at in an unfamiliar area are not the most pleasant thing to do.

The second time around it gets easier: Why are the second times always so much easier??

I personally thought the independency starts actually at a different level like assembling the own cupboard, paying for all the utility bills, setting up the own business and so on. It was quite an eye opener to see that even such actions and decisions classify I dependency, which would mean that many people have become independent without being completely aware of it.

Once in awhile, we should all look back and recognise and appreciate what we have actually achieved; the hurdles, which have been taken, the decisions we have made (good, bad, easy or difficult), the path we have chosen in our life’s including the times we have changed these paths and the countless independent acts we had to show, act on and display in order to get to the point we are at the moment.

Continue being independent but remember that depending on others can be rewarding too.

At least, once in awhile.

The Power of Silence

Silence is communication and it is underestimated by too many.

Illustrating this on the below example and at the same time making you think about the context of the clip should increase your awareness that silence is actually is a communication with the same significance as the verbal one.
The ability to use it and recognise it properly is however something, which needs practice.

The following clip can be found on YouTube with the discussion regarding women’s pay: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V93SnwWN0gc

At some point the man in this video tells the woman: “You’d be much happier at home with husband and kids” (rather than working). The third person involved is the host.

Details of these three people are shown below:

The woman is attorney and Fox News analyst Tamara Holder.

  • The man is Writer and co-founder of Vice Media Gavin McInnes
  • The host is Sean Hannity.
  • The context and the reactions were intriguing enough to write this post about it. However, this writing will not focus on the context of the conversation but is directed towards the reactions and responses from the individuals.
  • The following reactions and responded occurred as you have seen;
  • the woman shocked about Gavin McInnes direct statements
  • the man completely secure about his statement and felt the power of being in the “higher position”
  • the host reacting with silence and embarrassed laughs.

Although, as most can fully understand the distressed situation the lady is, the feeling of disappointment about her reaction or lack of counter arguments does not leave. Watching a clip and waiting for Tamara Holder to provide convincing points or dismantle his arguments, which never occur leaves her as the “victim” of the argument. Perhaps she would have used good counter arguments if she would have been calmer and her left brain half would have kicked in at some point. For the time being her responses were: “!!!!!??!!!???” (Question marks symbolise pleads to the host several times).

One of Gavin McInnes first sentences started with “As you have told me, you are single….”. His other sentences are strong statements and have the shock factor but the sentence stated could have been the contributed significantly to her being upset and unable to respond properly.

To clarify the above mentioned point; His statement suggests that before the show they had a conversation and at some point he either asked or she told him that she is single. The following scenario could have happened; he asked: “Are you in a relationship?”. She responded with a “No”.
As we have all experienced at some moment in our lives this conversation did not stop there. The questioner’s curious eyes display usually after a “No” the desire to know more and that a simple “No” will not satisfy this curiosity. Most people tend to give in and provide more information on the response.

Going back to the main characters; assuming the above scenario a temporary “relationship” is built due to the entrustment of personal information to another human being. Then this “attack” on her position combined with the knowledge that she had given him previously information could have caused the feeling of being betrayed. This could be the root of her lack of response and obviously the main message, which he communicated.

Another point is that she asks several times during this clip for help to the host. The host responds to her pleads.
Didn’t you recognise his responses? Don’t you see the embarrassed laughs and the silence as a response? Why not? Because he does not clearly state “Actually, I agree with him.” which is crystal clear throughout this clip.

Why do people have to explicitly state everything? Why can’t a simple gesture, mimic, a noise or silence be enough of a response and people are expected to say everything aloud?

I never understood why silence as a response is being underestimated so much.

The pause or the moment of silence should help the other person to think before continuing speaking or reflect on his talking partner or himself. It is clear that there are people who are “silence talkers”. Silence does not mean automatically being too shy to respond or being afraid to answer back. It can mean that the person does not agree with your point but does want you to embarrass you by stating it or agrees with you and therefore let’s you speak.

The social sites (twitter, facebook etc) do also lead to the lack of reflection on ourselves and the environment because these sites serve us to write about any thought or feeling. The consequences of sharing our every thought and feeling are described in the following article:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/authentic-engagement/201201/the-power-silence

Another interesting article by Steven Taylor is about the silence and the impact it has. He states that we are becoming afraid of  the silence and that due to the missing silence we are losing the touch to our true self’s: http://www.stevenmtaylor.com/essays/the-power-of-silence/

How many people do come home and they find it too silent that they need to turn on immediately the radio or the TV when they are alone at home?

Mostly this is caused through our society. The advertisements shown on billboards, tvs, radios and everywhere else subconsciously or consciously explicitly order us to do things. These messages cannot be misinterpreted on what the core message is and on what they want us to do. This most likely has weakened our ability to “read” into situations, which means basically that our empathy ability has diminished significantly.

Some examples of the advertisements /orders are the following:
– Use this cream
– Go shopping there
– Buy this
– Travel here
– Get your nose done
– Try this out

The list continues on and on.

“I ain’t going to receive any orders from no one” has been said by many but has been followed by few.

First Dates 101 – Final

Point 5: Adjustment

This one is shoe related and directed to the ladies.

Scenario: This point is for you ladies; assuming that you know that your date is the same height as yourself; do you really need to wear the highest heels you have found in your closet? There is a saying that short men like tall women but tall women do not necessarily like short men. And do you really want to look the whole night down?

Reaction: You can pick shoes that will keep yourself at the same level as your date. Both on the same eye level is a good signal. Communicate with your eyes and not your height.

Action: Consider if you would feel comfortable to wear if this concludes into a relationship no heels or very little heels for the rest of your life? You are anyways not a high heel person, great! If not, be self centred for a moment and consider if the no more proper high heels option would scare you in the long term?

Point 6: Seating Arrangement

You reach the table, which has been allocated to you. Some rules on first dates allocate that the men should pull the chair for the women. Discussing this point with a male he asked shocked “Every time she sits down?” Although everyone is on their best behaviour it does not mean that either party should do things with which they are not at least 80% comfortable with.

Scenario: There is the moment that you are sitting opposite of each other and he is sitting with his back to the wall. You recognise that he gets distracted by all the people passing and in the worse scenario by other girls passing; the wandering eye syndrome.

Reaction: The technique to stop it is have that person seated in a way that he looks at the wall or has a limited view to his surroundings with the full attention to you.

Action: Men have confirmed that they actually do get distracted with many things going on at the same time. Two things at the same time do not work well but be cautious with this temporary solution; there will not be always a wall he can sit looking to and eventually he will reveal his true habits.

Tip: It might be a good idea to see if he gets used to the distractions and you will get his full attention after awhile or if you will be looked past most of the time during the date.

Point 7: Paying

The moment were the bill is on the table is probably one of the most unromantic once. It destroys the atmosphere hopefully for only a short while. In the worst scenario the bill might be greeted by both parties with a sigh of relief.

Scenario: You have ordered the most expensive dish or cocktail on the menu.

Reaction: Ladies: Even though you are on a date in this century it does not mean anymore automatically that the man has to pay. Don’t order the most expensive dish or the most expensive cocktail on the menu unless that is the way you roll but then remind yourself that you should honestly offer or pay for it yourself.

Action: Do it if you want to test his generosity but do not be disappointed if he asks to split the bill. Some people say that men do not care that they have to pay their bill but the rule should apply that whether you would find it fair it would happen to you unless obviously you are a gold digger and one of the characteristic you are looking for is that your date should be rich. Then of course go ahead and test if your future will be financially safe.

Point 8: Easy going

Ok, it is the first date. Especially ladies are trying to be nice and lovely, which they are of course the whole time. The “I am easy going” approach has however its limits.

Scenario: You do not complain about the far away restaurant, about the spicy food although you do not like spicy food or about the place which serves only non alcoholic drinks although you wanted a nice cold margarita or the level of darkness although it is light outside.

Reaction: You are not on this date to keep silent and suffer throughout it. It should be a fun and exciting. What is the advantage of remaining silent and having a miserable date? He cannot mind read. Most men have difficulties in reading between the lines so mind reading is impossible at least at this stage of your dating life.

Action: If you are easy going in real life and like to be bossed around-Wonderful, you have found your partner. If not, then voice your opinion and ask to change the place, the restaurant, the guy.

Point 9: Dropping at home

The date went well and now you have to think about your way back home.

Scenario: If you have found a nice man, he will ask you to drop you home with his car. You are happy about this since you cannot walk anymore with your heels. Filling out the awkward silences during the drive with something interesting conversation will be however your responsibility and wonder how the drop off will be. After dropping you off he leaves immediately without waiting an additional 5 seconds were you enter your apartment door.

Reaction: You like that he wants you to be independent and will not be a protector. Right after he drops you off at a late evening ,two drunk guys are passing. In stress situations the door just never opens the first time around. You just did have a date with a supposedly man did you not?

Action: You give it another try and mention that you like man, who wait after dropping you off or you consider that rather than teaching a grown man manners, you should be out there looking for a new date.

Special Moments with Examples:

First I would like to highlight that these special moments do not happen on all dates but are much funnier afterwards than during the date. Most of them at least.

Some occurrences during dates are listed below:

Your date…

> has offered you to drop home and you gladly accept. Then you tilt your head slightly and see a baby seat at the back. He responds to your question with a “Yes, I have a baby.”
> gets a bit too nervous and the whole has managed to land on the table and swapped a bit on your dress
> or yourself trip while walking. (In the movies there is the moment were the girl falls and the man catches her in the last moment and the ice is broken. Oh well nice movies…doesn’t happen much in real life)
> gets an allergic reaction during the date
> or you run into his or your ex during the date. This could turn in a long tale of what happened wrong in their relationship. So the ex will dominate the topic although sh/he will be not anymore (hopefully!) present
> talks the whole time about the last ex. The final endings from him are “She was a good cook but stupid”
> chooses to go to the movies for the first date
> “forgets” the wallet at home on a cinema date and you end up paying for the tickets and pop corns
> gets drunk and you end up bringing her/him home
> speaks the whole night about work. It is a boring work and she/he uses work language whilst explaining, which you have no clue about
> forgets during the date your name or worse uses instead another name
> invites you for a romantic picnic. After awhile he needs to go to the washroom but there is no washroom close by so he finishes his “business” at a nearby tree and comes back to continue the picnic. (At a picnic you usually eat with your hands…)
> loses her shoe (Cinderella moment)
> shakes your hand at the end of the date.

Actually some of the above examples can be really good ice breaker or deal breakers. You decide; To date or not to date, that is here the question.

Enjoy your next First Date!